Nerdrage!

After only one post, I’ve already decided to change the name of this segment.  Calling it Lisa’s Lists on a website called “Nerdrage!” seemed… inappropriate.  My favorite things come in groups of 4, so shall be my Lists.

Coming soon to Nerdrage!: “The Fantastic Foursome: Fantastic Foursomes.”

This week’s post was inspired by the fact that I play way too many video games.  Lots of weapons had to be left off this list for brevity’s sake.  I didn’t include weapons from games I’ve never played, as much as that pained me.  Sorry, Gravity Gun and BFG. You get enough love as it is.

Mega Man 2 – Metal Blade

Some would argue that using the Metal Blade to beat Mega Man 2 cheapens the entertainment value of the game.  While I see the merit in that argument, they can also kiss my butt.  Look, I love a good challenge as much as the next guy.  I also love not throwing my controller through the TV.  Mega Man games have that effect on me.

Plus holy shit you’re shooting metal saws from your arm.  Not even Ash could do that.

Legend of Zelda –  The Master Sword

The Master Sword is not even close to the coolest weapon on this list.  It’s not extraordinarily powerful.  It’s not magical, save for the lightning bolt it shoots out when you’re at full health.  But as far as fantasy game weapons go, the Master Sword is easily the most iconic.

And don’t tell me you didn’t freak out the first time you beat Ocarina of Time when Link takes the sword and shoves it through Ganon’s face.  You liar.

Skies of Arcadia – The Claudia

Oh, dearest Dreamcast.  Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did.  A crippling addiction to painkillers killed you in early 2002, but not before you produced one of my favorite games of all-time: Skies of Arcadia.

I’ve never played a Final Fantasy game but man did I play the shit out of Skies of Arcadia.  It is hands down my favorite RPG.  Your team, generally speaking, consisted of the main character (Vyse), his best friend (Aika), and the mysterious foreigner (Fina).  Your fourth slot could be either the old salty dog (Drachma), the Prince of the kingdom you’re fighting (Enrique), or Han Solo (Gilder).

Every character has a super “I’m gonna fuck you and your mother up” move that cost a large amount of energy to unleash.  None of the final moves ever come close to the badassery that is Gilder’s ship “Claudia.”

Not even close.

Turok 2: Seeds of Evil – Cerebral Bore

No weapon has ever struck more fear into my soul more than the Cerebral Bore.  If you heard that whirring noise in multiplayer, and you weren’t the one who shot it, you were right fucked.  On the flip side, no weapon has ever caused me as much joy as the Cerebral Bore.

Let me break this down for you:

1. It is a gun that fires a projectile that locks onto an enemy’s brainwaves, so there’s no real cloaking or running from it.

2. The projectile spirals down their skull in a gory storm of brain and blood and bone.

3. When it’s all settled in and cozy somewhere near their spine, IT EXPLODES.

I believe that is the very definition of “the best thing ever.”

Filed under:
The Fantastic Foursome by Lisa