The Human Torch is dead.

When it was announced that one of the Fantastic Four was going to die in January, I had the feeling Johnny’s time was up.  He had never died before and, given the recent deaths (and returns) of both the Invisible Woman and The Thing, I just knew. I kept trying to tell myself, “Well, they’re really setting it up to be Mr. Fantastic.”  I really wanted to believe that.

I cannot express how much I did not want to be right.  Today I found out I was.  It feels like someone punched me directly in the heart.

I know the odds of Torch staying dead are 45,000,000:1 against.  That is the way mainstream comics work.  They get us all worked up and sad over a character sacrificing themself or getting shot on the steps of a courthouse only to bring them back when the title’s sales start to dip.

Space/time-altering bullets, anyone?

“No one stays dead in comics, Lisa.  You should know this.”

When I read the last page of Fantastic Four #587, I just… sat there for a moment.  At first I didn’t feel anything except numbness.  Was it because I knew he’d eventually be back and that grieving was useless? No.  I needed those moments to process that someone, albeit fictional, that I loved so much for eight years was gone.  Once it hit me, despite all I knew about comic book deaths, I cried.  The tears were there and they were real, unlike the person I was grieving over.

Those who know me know I love the Fantastic Four.  It’s kind of my thing.  More importantly, I love Johnny Storm.   He has been my most beloved superhero since I picked up my first Mark Waid/Mike Wieringo Fantastic Four trade paperback in late 2003.  Not many people actually like the Human Torch.  His character can be, admittedly, pretty one-dimensional.  Most of the time he’s a cocky arrogant little prick who flies over New York in a fiery ball of “LOOK AT ME AND HOW AWESOME I AM.”

I mean, what's not to love?

But goddamn if that didn’t just strike the right chord with yours truly at 16 years old.

There’s just, I don’t know, something about jerk characters that aren’t really jerks at all that I find myself drawn to.  It’s a phenomenon I like to call “the Han Solo effect.”  Johnny embodied that so well.  He was capable of being a complete dick to his own family, but he was so fiercely loyal to them that he would give his life to protect them.  In the end, that’s exactly what happened.

“Don’t worry.  He’ll be back.”

Fucking hell, you guys, I don’t want him to come back.  For how much I love the son of a bitch, I hope for his sake he stays dead.  His death was written in such a noble and befitting manner to him that it would be an even greater tragedy for me if it was all in vain or it was really a goddamn Skrull or something.

Goodbye, my dear Jonathan Spencer Storm.  May you rest in peace as long as Marvel will let you.

While I haven’t been blogging about nerdy things as of late, rest assured I have continued my nerdy ways!

My newest project, Lisachievements, chronicles my attempt at reaching 20,000 Gamerpoints on Xbox Live by New Year’s Eve 2011.  Since starting this quest I have earned 40 achievements and 705G.

You can keep up with the day to day achievements, as well as the games I earned them in, on my Twitter feed @lcbryan.

A joke about huge Xbox controllers.

ALSO IN CASE YOU WERE NOT AWARE: I DO A FUCKING PODCAST.

Every week, myself and three of my nerdy dude friends get together and talk about everything and nothing in a silly ass podcast called Podtact.

You can subscribe to this series via iTunes OR if you’re against iTunes, click here.  If you review us, we’ll mention you on air.  So basically what I’m getting at is if you’re a narcissist, you should listen to and review Podtact!  We don’t do it FOR the reviews, but we sure as hell LIKE when we’re reviewed.  It makes us feel all squishy inside.

Except Nick.  He’s always squishy.  Wii Fit said so.

Coming soon to Nerdrage!: “The Fantastic Foursome: Fantastic Foursomes.”

This week’s post was inspired by the fact that I play way too many video games.  Lots of weapons had to be left off this list for brevity’s sake.  I didn’t include weapons from games I’ve never played, as much as that pained me.  Sorry, Gravity Gun and BFG. You get enough love as it is.

Mega Man 2 – Metal Blade

Some would argue that using the Metal Blade to beat Mega Man 2 cheapens the entertainment value of the game.  While I see the merit in that argument, they can also kiss my butt.  Look, I love a good challenge as much as the next guy.  I also love not throwing my controller through the TV.  Mega Man games have that effect on me.

Plus holy shit you’re shooting metal saws from your arm.  Not even Ash could do that.

Legend of Zelda –  The Master Sword

The Master Sword is not even close to the coolest weapon on this list.  It’s not extraordinarily powerful.  It’s not magical, save for the lightning bolt it shoots out when you’re at full health.  But as far as fantasy game weapons go, the Master Sword is easily the most iconic.

And don’t tell me you didn’t freak out the first time you beat Ocarina of Time when Link takes the sword and shoves it through Ganon’s face.  You liar.

Skies of Arcadia – The Claudia

Oh, dearest Dreamcast.  Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did.  A crippling addiction to painkillers killed you in early 2002, but not before you produced one of my favorite games of all-time: Skies of Arcadia.

I’ve never played a Final Fantasy game but man did I play the shit out of Skies of Arcadia.  It is hands down my favorite RPG.  Your team, generally speaking, consisted of the main character (Vyse), his best friend (Aika), and the mysterious foreigner (Fina).  Your fourth slot could be either the old salty dog (Drachma), the Prince of the kingdom you’re fighting (Enrique), or Han Solo (Gilder).

Every character has a super “I’m gonna fuck you and your mother up” move that cost a large amount of energy to unleash.  None of the final moves ever come close to the badassery that is Gilder’s ship “Claudia.”

Not even close.

Turok 2: Seeds of Evil – Cerebral Bore

No weapon has ever struck more fear into my soul more than the Cerebral Bore.  If you heard that whirring noise in multiplayer, and you weren’t the one who shot it, you were right fucked.  On the flip side, no weapon has ever caused me as much joy as the Cerebral Bore.

Let me break this down for you:

1. It is a gun that fires a projectile that locks onto an enemy’s brainwaves, so there’s no real cloaking or running from it.

2. The projectile spirals down their skull in a gory storm of brain and blood and bone.

3. When it’s all settled in and cozy somewhere near their spine, IT EXPLODES.

I believe that is the very definition of “the best thing ever.”

This probably doesn’t help, either.

Before I say anything else, I want to explain what this is.  This is Fox’s dream casting.  News like this is taken with a grain of salt AT BEST, so that’s what I’m going to do.

Though the quality of the suit and makeup Chiklis wore increased between of the first and second films, many fans were still disappointed in it’s “obviously fake” appearance; as well as the diminutive physical size the character was reduced to.

Of course it was “obviously fake,” you numbnuts.  He’s a guy covered in rocks.  Chiklis’ outfit was probably about as realistic as you could make it.

If you saw this walking down the street, you would say "that is a dude covered in rocks."

Unlike most fans, I liked his look and size. It was an homage to the Thing as drawn by his creator Jack Kirby.  Ben was never intended to be 8 feet tall and five hundred tons like he is often drawn.  I subscribe to the belief that the bigger The Thing is, the more ridiculous he would look on screen.  Comic books are one thing; live action another.

Other news that came out yesterday was that Fox is looking at three directors.  When it comes to directors, I usually have very little opinion.  I will say that, while he didn’t do a great job, I didn’t think Tim Story did a terrible job either.  He was given a lot of shit to work with , including (but not limited to): subpar writing, Jessica Alba, and a studio that didn’t really have a whole lot of faith in the franchise to begin with.

And, shock of the century, it will be filmed for a 3D release.  Oh Fox, you are so wild and original with your ideas.  I can’t wait to hear about Johnny’s “pale and oft misunderstood vampire love interest.”

This had better be one hell of a good script, you guys.

LISA IS HAPPYFACE:

1. Putting the origin in the credits.  People who are going to see this probably already saw the original movies and/or read the comics.  They don’t need to see it again.  Origins bog things down.  Removing the origin leaves room for more character development and plot.  The Fantastic Four cartoon that came out a couple years ago did this and did it well.

2. Doom getting to be Doom.  I am all smiles.  And though I’ve never seen True Blood, I know who this actor is and have no fear that he can pull this off.  If I don’t hear a “Damn you, Richards” out of him I will be a sad panda.

3. As the foremost Jonathan Storm/Human Torch expert, I approve of a Kevin Pennington casting choice.  I loved Chris Evans so much and I’m kinda sad that he’s now playing with a shield and punching Hitler.  I’m not head-over-heels overenthusiastic on their Sue front-runner, but since it’s not Jessica Alba, I’ll deal.

LISA IS ANGRYFACE:

1. Man, FUCK Adrian Brody as Reed.  He didn’t get the part last time and I’m not keen for him to have it this time.  Just because he’s A-list doesn’t make him right.

2. CGI Ben.  It bears repeating.

Good God are all my posts going to be about this movie?  The next two years are going to be an awful time for my writing.

While I’m not in total agreement with the Reed Richardses they have in mind (and yes, I do have my own idea*), at least this time it looks as though they’re trying to cast a blonde with some acting talent as Sue.  But, then again, they did that before and we got Jessica Alba, so I won’t be surprised when it’s one of the Kardashians in a blonde wig.

But here, ladies and germs, is the gut kicker:

It would appear the race is on to cast the three roles as the Thing will be created entirely in the computer this time around.

Head, meet wall. Now repeat.

Dear Anyone Who Cares: The Thing is NOT The Hulk.  You can get away with a big green CG Hulk smashing tanks and throwing missiles and punching the Abomination’s face off.  You CANNOT get away with Ben Grimm as CG.

Why?  Because the Hulk has an entirely separate human side.  The Thing is Ben’s human side and his monstrous side.  That’s what makes him such a tragic and lovable figure.  It’s not as though Ben gets angry and becomes a brick wall.  You need someone underneath that rocky hide to portray the man that he is.  If there was one thing the 2005 and 2007 versions got RIGHT, it was casting a real actor in makeup as the Thing.

Augh, whether I like it or not, here I go again into the maddening world of my favorite comic book going to the big screen.

*Glenn Howerton, aka Dennis from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Seriously.  Looks aside, he could put a charming and interesting spin on a character that can be notoriously dull.  And if they decide to take the “Reed’s kind of a dick” route, well, we all know he could do that with ease.

(I know it can’t or won’t happen.  But FUCK I wish it would happen.)

In an effort to get myself to use this webspace for writing every week, I’ve decided to do a weekly “Lisa’s Lists.”  It’s pretty much exactly how it sounds.  Each week I will create a list of my  favorite/least favorite things and describe why they are my favorite/least favorite.  It’s very much like that LivingSocial “Top Five” thing that everyone and their grandmother was into on Facebook a year ago, except I’ll actually have room to explain why I made my choices.  I also hope that my lists will get people thinking and maybe, just maybe, they’ll post their own.

The first Lisa’s List is simply this:  Who are your top five favorite fictional characters?

“Holy crap,” says the internet.  “Media specific?”  No.  “So wait… any fictional characters?”  Any. Fictional. Character.  As in NOT REAL.  Made up.  Never existed in our world.

Because of the scope of the question, I decided to choose a character from each type of media I enjoy: Movies, Television, Comic Books, Video Games, and Books.

OKAY HERE GOES

Han Solo, Star Wars

Seen here shooting first.

This was all too easy.

Anybody who knows me knows I have had a lifelong adoration of this smarmy Corellian smuggler turned Rebel Alliance Captain.  It’s his unabashed cockiness,  his “I care only about me but I secretly care about those around me” attitude, his ability to wield sarcasm as well as his blaster, and that goddamn adorable crooked smile.  It’s all those things and so much more.

“I love you.”

“I know.”

<3

Captain H. M. “Howlin’ Mad” Murdock, The A-Team

"I'm allergic to microwaves. They release space hamsters into my bloodstream."

Paranoid delusions.  Fixations bordering on obsessions.  One week he is Pasadena Murdock, an Indiana Jones style adventurer, and another week he adopts the persona of the taxi driving superhero Captain Cab.  There’s also his dog, Billy… who is invisible.

They let this man fly airplanes.

And therein lies the beauty of Murdock.  He is certifiably insane, almost to the point of annoyance to those around him, but the A-Team (with the exception of B.A.) trust him with their lives. As crazy as he is, he could help Face with a scam or come up with a plan almost as brilliant as Hannibal’s to free his teammates from trouble.

He was the unpredictability on a show that eventually suffocated on its own predictability.  While the other three remained more or less the same each week, you could count on Murdock to never be, and that’s why I love him.

I also apparently have a thing for tall, goofy, light brown-haired guys who wear baseball caps atop their thinning hair.  Now if only I could get Matt to wear Converse and get his pilot’s license.

The Human Torch, Fantastic Four

Also known as: Mr. Fahrenheit.

Johnny Storm is another example of my tragically obvious soft spot for teenagers who can set themselves on fire.

wait no i messed that up

Choosing my favorite member of the Fantastic Four is really painful for me.  I could have easily made a list of my five favorite fictional characters the Four and Dr. Doom and called it a job well done.

I chose Johnny because he was the reason I became so interested in the team in the first place. When I first started reading comics at 16 years old, I was a big fan of Iceman from the X-Men. He was always having fun and never really letting being an outcast of society get the better of him. Too many mutants were mopey and whiny for my blood.

I was introduced to the Fantastic Four by a high school friend who thought I’d enjoy it. Boy, was he right. Where X-Men trends towards heavy and gritty and sometimes dark, the Fantastic Four (for the most part) are fun. Their relationships with one another are fun.  Their adventures together are fun.  I like fun.

I love the Human Torch for the same reasons I enjoyed Iceman.  Johnny isn’t exactly a societal outcast by any means. His love for life and self-assuredness, combined with his fierce loyalty to his family, make him… fun.

I like fun.

Naked Snake/Big Boss, Metal Gear Solid

Like a Boss.

I could write an essay on why I love this character.  I almost did.

Up until Metal Gear Solid 3, Big Boss was pretty much your average video game villain.  In Metal Gear you, Solid Snake, think he’s a good guy BUT OH WAIT NO HE’S ACTUALLY THE BAD GUY.  You kill him, world saved, game over.  NO WAIT HE DIDN’T REALLY DIE he’s the bad guy in the sequel!  Okay time to kill him again.  He dies, world’s saved AGAIN, game over.  This time he actually stays dead… OR DOES HE?

Along comes Metal Gear Solid 3, the prequel sequel.  It is 1964 and you are John, Codename: Naked Snake; a covert agent for the CIA and a former Green Beret.  Much like his son Solid, Naked Snake is a good man and even better soldier.  He was deeply patriotic and would do anything for his country.  The mission his country sends him on through the Russian wilderness takes this good man and subjects him to physical and psychological torture, culminating in the single most heartbreaking ending in video game history.

So… yeah.  It’s really not a surprise why he turns on his country the way he does.  If you cost me my eye and force me to kill the only person I’ve ever loved, all for the sake of stealing some dude’s money, I would hate the shit out of you too.  So much.

Aragorn, The Lord of the Rings

He looks almost as incredulous as I do when people tell me they like Legolas more than him.

Seriously.  Fuck Legolas.

If you don’t love Aragorn, you don’t love awesome things.  It’s a scientifically proven statement.

I intend to use this space to keep up my writing skills.  Time will tell if I actually keep that promise.  I’ve tried and tried to keep up a blog and it never really gets anywhere.

While I work on my actual first post, here is a picture of a kitten dressed as Link.